Need a feedback for cold email template

Hello everyone. I am a Pathrise fellow who is in the design track.
My core advisor suggests me to post my cold email template here to get outside perspectives. Free feel to give me any feedback and comments! Thank you. The following is my cold email template.

Hello Dylan,

My name is Coco Xu, and I recently applied for the Expedia position of UX Designer II via LinkedIn. While I am not sure if you are the right person to contact, I am sure that my experience and interests are a good match for the team.

If I may, I’d like to take a moment to briefly introduce myself and my background. I have 3 years’ work history in User Experience design, and I received my Master’s Degree in May of this year. My previous work experience includes health and wellness, automotive UX, and travel technology.

As a fan of Expedia, I know that the company is not only focused on providing the booking hotel, and flight tickets. But is also investing in helping millions of people enjoy more of the world. For example, Expedia will deliver $50000 gift card to travels, helping them get perfect vacation photos. Similarly, I have experience in the travel industry, and I led a project at Zanadu, where our team’s work resulted in building 1st ever VR travel app in China, and increased numerous new potential customers. In summary, I think that not only could I be a contributor to the company right away, but given the diversity of work being done at Expedia, there is a tremendous amount I could learn in the UX Designer role.

You can learn more about my work at Zanadu in my attached resume, or by visiting my portfolio at www.cocoxuke.com. I truly appreciate your consideration for this role, and I look forward to potentially hearing from you soon.

Regards,
Coco Xu

You make quite a few grammatical mistakes in this paragraph “As a fan of Expedia, I know that the company is not only focused on providing the booking hotel, and flight tickets. But is also investing in helping millions of people enjoy more of the world. For example, Expedia will deliver $50000 gift card to travels, helping them get perfect vacation photos. Similarly, I have experience in the travel industry, and I led a project at Zanadu, where our team’s work resulted in building 1st ever VR travel app in China, and increased numerous new potential customers. In summary, I think that not only could I be a contributor to the company right away, but given the diversity of work being done at Expedia, there is a tremendous amount I could learn in the UX Designer role.” that you should review more closely with Dylan!

Thank you so much! I will meet Dylan tomorrow to discuss it!